NCIS recap: Pardon me, waiter, there’s a foot in my soup

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If national hot tub sales drop this week, blame NCIS. Because when two kids attempt to sneak into a vacationing neighbor’s 102-degree hot tub, you just know they’re about to find human soup.

The house special is Navy Lt. Davis Mooney, who’d been cooking in that cauldron for about two weeks. When the team arrives on the scene, the Young Turks are horrified by the sight, but Gibbs is cool as a cucumber. Palmer suggests fetching buckets, but Gibbs tells him to load the whole hot tub onto a flatbed because it’s all evidence. Then he gives the most perfectly understated Gibbs face twitch, which tells us that the hot tub situation is … bad.

When the team starts canvassing the neighborhood, they discover the colorful residents of the cul-de-sac are out in force to collect gossip, including a divorcée on the prowl, a pair of soccer parents, and the pantsless neighborhood black sheep.

Back at HQ, Torres is uncharacteristically upset that he stepped on his favorite pair of sunglasses, which are immune to his superglue repair efforts. Those jackals McGee and Bishop are unsympathetic to his plight as they gather for the rundown on Mooney: a recently divorced part-time writer for the Navy Herald whose laptop and home surveillance system are missing.

This tracks with a previous neighborhood burglary in which soccer parents Dave and Kenna Reynolds had their home broken into and their nanny cam stolen. And then, to Sloane’s great delight, all the neighbors start spilling the tea. “Cul-de-sacs are a psychological gold mine,” she says.

On the team’s return, divorcée Loni accuses Kenna Reynolds of making eyes at Mooney, while neighborhood watch guy Gary (and his dog Darrin Stephens) witnessed the Reynolds’ break-in, complete with a glimpse of the tall, trim, athletic burglar. Then Torres takes it upon himself to lecture no-pants Edgar about the social compact of keeping your house up to ‘burb standards.

This earns him a time-out with the hot tub, where Palmer, Ducky, and Kasie are “harvesting” the larger pieces by hand, then draining the water to check the filter. Their level of unflappability is impressive, but then again, this is the team’s second hot tub case in recent memory.

“My God, it’s a slow cooker,” Ducky says, dubbing this even more disgusting than the meat puzzle, which is saying something. As their processing gets underway, Kasie finds a possible murder weapon in the broken tip of a box cutter.

The team also finds Mooney’s ex-wife, who’s been in Puerto Rico. She calls on her way back home to tell them Mooney was working on a book. Although he refused to divulge details for her own protection, she says it’s about a serial killer called The Dentist, who murdered nine victims — including Mooney’s cousin — before going dormant seven years ago. The Dentist’s MO varied, but each victim had a tooth taken as a trophy.

Meanwhile, Torres has continued to act moody and sulky about the sunglasses, which prompts Ducky to check his BP. He finds it high and tries prescribing rest, but Palmer invites Torres to blow off steam with him during a wine-soaked night on the town. I already love the sound of this.

Their wild night turns out to be a sip-and-paint event at a place called Vincent van Grape, where two men painting nearby start hassling them, calling Torres “amigo” and referring to them as boyfriends.

The soundtrack switches to ominous when Torres takes off his apron and asks, “What if we are a couple?” Palmer then stands, drains his wine, and removes his glasses. And look, I abhor violence as the answer to a problem, but the lead-up to this altercation was … um … hot. ANYWAY, one of the dunderheads shoves Palmer, who throws a punch, and the scene devolves into a huge brawl that ends with bruised, paint-splattered mug shots for Team NCIS.

While it seems odd that two racist, homophobic dudes would choose a paint-and-sip joint as a bro-hang, it brought us to a moment where Gibbs got a 3 a.m. call to bail out two of his people, so I’ll allow it. When Gibbs arrives, Palmer’s pumped and shadowboxing, and Torres is frustrated. This compounds when Gibbs takes Torres to task for getting into a bar fight when he possesses his particular set of skills. (Next page: The serial killer next door)

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